Missing you…


We will all face the death of a loved one sooner or later.
But how many of us are prepared to do so.
Have you ever given it more than just a horrified thought?
Or are you like me, somehow convinced this will not happen to you!

The truth is it did happen to me…and it took me completely by surprise.

In my case it was the sudden death of my husband.
After almost thirty years of marriage, life as I knew it ended, and with it all the dreams and plans we had made together.

This is such a harsh reality, it is almost impossible to comprehend.

From that point on it is just you again, and that takes a lot of getting used to.

Re-inventing yourself has become a must… not an option.


You are not alone

His death was unexpected and hard to digest. Like most people I was not prepared for everything that the death of a loved one implicates. My journey through grief took me places I had not anticipated or foreseen. It changed me into another version of me, today I’m definitely more compasioned and open. It showed me that there is no right way to anything, and neither is there only one way. Judgement has it’s utility but it also has a tendency to take over. I can honestly say that I grew from my grief, which may sound strange, but to me it was deeply revealing how my pain and despair gave me a sensitivity, empathy and awareness that other wise I might not have experienced.
I’ve learned the hard way, I can only hope that reading my book will inspire people to look at me and say; Because of you and your book I didn’t give up.

After the death  of a dearly beloved  your sadness seems endless and I’m not implying that there is going be an end to the sadness but strangely enough, you do get used to living with grief. Mourning, in time, becomes a second nature,  it certainly takes over your life and redirects your path into a different destiny.

While I watched my old word  fall apart I couldn’t help thinking why did this happen to me?

But why should it not?  I’m well aware that in time something similar will happen to all of us, for  death, although beyond our comprehension, may be our only certainty, so why  is it that hard to accept?  How come? image

In my head I have re-lived   his last days over and over again. Was there anything he or I could have done  to prevent his death from happening?

In other words; was there someone to blame?  Why do we have this need to make somebody responsible  when something bad occurres but just call it luck when what happens is good.

But no matter what, he will not return, this acceptance of him not coming back took me a long time. The knowledge that there was nothing  that I could do made me feel small and insignificant.

It forced me to remember how fragile  life is.

I must have entered a state of shock, following  my husband’s sudden death, for I experienced  no feelings, there were no tears, and I was completely unable to react to this enormous sense of pain and abandonment  that had taken me by surprise.

True, I’ve never been great at expressing my feelings, but this was so final and abrupt that my whole being was  paralysed by it. It wasn’t until weeks later that I finally broke down and started crying.

Once the denial was no longer an option and the bargaining had failed completely.



imageOnce you are over the initial shock, and the harsh reality finally hits you, you may wonder if you are ready to instigate change?

Most likely, everyone around you thinks that you should, but do not let anyone rush you, take all the time that you need and for as long as it takes.

At some point though you will need to redefine patterns to get more clarity and insight in your life.

In my experience, life has its own way of letting you know when the right moment has arrived.
Once you have learned to accept that the love of your life is not coming back and your day by day is starting to feel empty and unsatisfactory.

A Spiritual journey.

Without Goodbye

Without Goodbye

Letting go, is not the same thing as hanging on,and I do know that.
But the goodbyes that are not said and never explained are hard to understand. And even harder to accept.

And a funeral may not give you the closure you were looking for.
So, after a sudden and unexpected death, it is only too easy to find yourself lost in time. Desperately hanging on to the past.
I know, I was!

But over time I have learned how to look at my loss from another angle.
And although I realize that being positive, when in so much pain is hard. It is worth the effort to not waist what is left of your life over regrets of times gone by.

That it is entirely up to you to convert the overwhelming despair you feel inside, into acceptance instead of bitterness.
To not give up on hope. No one else can do that for you.

By opening up, my grief turned into a spiritual journey, one that led me to the awareness that everything in life is designed to help you grow.
That I was meant to walk this path and learn from the experience.
That nothing in life is random.

imageSometimes it is not about having time at all, but about making time.
Time to remember what made your soul smile.

For when you loose someone very dear and near, you enter a two-dimensional world, where everything is flat. Sorrow is so overpowering that it takes the depth out of your perception. And as tempting as it is to drown in the darkness that surrounds you, in order to survive you may need to return to the essence of your own existence and embrace life itself.

While mourning it is easy to forget about your needs. You just do not care.
But in life there is always something to be grateful for,even in your darkest hours.
Most likely,being appreciative, will not ease your pain but it can help you grow.
Maybe even help you understand.

And understanding prevails over knowledge.
Understanding may lead you to the acceptance of what is, instead of yearning for what once was.

At the end of the day it is all about accepting fate and to continue living.
For as much as we all detest changes,they are inevitable.
Living in the present and focussing more on what we still have, and less on what we have lost, can help fill the humongous gap that their death left behind.

May be the best way to honor their absence is by celebrating life and living each day as the precious gift it is.
For sometimes all we need, is more time.

imageI do not believe that time heals all wounds, but I do believe it creates new patterns. And that those can become helpful tools to lessen the the sharpness of the pain felt.

The scar however remains, maybe not visible to others, but to you it will always be there! It is your remembrance of the hurt and the pain suffered.

His death has left you with an immense sense of emptiness, a hole that will always be part of you. And in a way that is a good thing for it has earned its own right to be there. Once it was filled with the person you loved so much.

Sadness and loneliness but even anger are taking over, and are in desperate need of processing.

And it is entirely up to you to convert the overwhelming despair you feel inside into acceptance, instead of bitterness.

To not give up on hope! No one else can do that for you.

Mourning is a premier response to loss, and death is very much part of life. But we have become too disconnected, and are hardly receptive to our spiritual inner selves to cope with something as natural as death.

We need to come to peace with this, and be grateful for all that was and for everything that still is.